Sometimes I wonder...

I wonder if James was scared when he lost his hearing. At 18 months old children are pretty aware of their world, and a child who responded to sounds and his name, and who made sounds of his own, that must have been a frightening thing to no longer hear things you were used to hearing.  And I wonder, how quickly or gradually did it happen?  Did he cry about it and no one knew why he was fussy? Or did he just go with the flow like he usually does?  Does he remember what sound sounds like? Does he wish he could hear the drums and piano he pretends to play along with on Sunday mornings? Does he know when he is making noise?

I wonder if he ever thinks we are the meanest people in the world.  After all, we took him from his home to this frigid place where he has to share, and follow rules, and sit in a chair and eat all his chicken and go in time out when he pinches his new sister.  He is always signing and saying HOME and I wonder if he's trying to tell me he wants to go back to his old home.  And I wonder how to explain to him that he IS home, that place is no longer home for him.  If, indeed, that is what he is trying to tell me.  And I wonder how old he will be before he understands that he belongs to us now, with us forever.  And when will he be happy about that?  I mean, I think he is happy with us, but I don't know that he gets it.  I wondered yesterday when we celebrated with another adoptive family, does he see another brown skinned child with a white family and make that connection? Does he know that he is not the only one who has been ripped from his world and put into this new one? 

I wonder what he thinks about all day.  I wonder how much of what I tell him he really understands.  I wonder why he is SO obsessed with the dog!  And I wonder, was he the one eating chocolate and putting the wrappers in the bathroom garbage??


  1. Beautiful, Merissa. Beautiful that your heart sees all this, and, in the end, in spite of the mourning and the fear or maybe even because of it, it will become beautiful for James too (and probably is now, too--at least when it comes to how he feels about Swiper!).

  2. He may be seeking confirmation that this is in fact his home, Ariana would sign for weeks... Momma Daddy Ariana, and look at me with a questioning face, I would repeat it and say yes Momma Daddy Ariana are Family Forever, and of course we added Ash and Destin too. She would do it occasionaly after that, I honestly dont remember the last time she asked that. He is figuring out his world with this new wonderful language and he will piece it all together.


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